Okay, so AWESOME news...my computer is up and running again!
Dearest, sweetest, most talented Oliver sat well over five hours getting the thing back together. Turns out Windows XP did a kamikaze.

Now I'm a proud Linux user - proud and very VERY! confused.

It's all really fancy but I don't know left from right in this OS - nothing time won't cure I guess though I will probably scratch at Oliver's door every day for the next two weeks, asking the most inane questions.
Hell, I didn't even find the on/off button myself *headbutts the desk*

But it's so much cooler than Windows! Every time I close a window it dissolves in flames haha and loads of other knick knacks that Santa Clause installed probably just for my personal entertainment XD